You need this job


468 words

It’s not working out. Everyone knows it. Your deliverables are undelivered. You need binoculars to see a target let alone hit it. The stench of fired is dogging your every step. 

Apart from actually doing your job better- I assumed you tried that- how do I not be fired until you find something better?

Own the little things. Here are some tips to get you through another day until you find another job.

Everybody gets a good morning. 

Everybody. Everyday. Mix it up with some points and waves. Maybe even a wink if that’s your style. Don’t be over the top just let the world know you are all about whatever you name is. Stop and chat with your mantra being “No what did you get up to this weekend” story is too boring. Nod through it.

Coffe guy. 

Have that extra ready to go with the exact order they like. Never to your boss, come one now.

Have zero opinions about everything.

Raise your eyebrows and puff a sound out of your mouth like blowing out a coffee with looser lips. That is you most judgmental response to anything. Don’t care if someone is dating their cousin your opinion is it’s all good.

Repeat back questions enthusiastically in meetings/ Reframe that question to sound smarter.

You’re not good at your job. That’s cool. We have all been there, just fake it better. Next meeting with the team listens hard for something a smart person says. Repeat it in another meeting later that day. There’s always another meeting.

\Disappear. 

Can’t fire what you cant see. Fill up your diary and get out where the work is. Or actually, sit in the library reading back issues of Time. If you hide in a coffee ship buy two drinks so you can claim on expenses.

Timings

Always leave later than the boss, just wait it out. Getting in first means nothing unless people know so send an email internally. Sharing an article, fake missed call, whatever it takes to get you in that building on record.

Organise the footy tipping.

Only works near the end of the season. If you can see the end this far out perhaps try a bit harder?

Front foot.

One on one’s is the hardest when you are not delivering. Get in first. Talk about disappointment, letting the team down, not following the excellent leadership properly. It does take a certain to bullshit while saying I am not here to bullshit. 

Get your mates to get you out of there.

Holding onto your job us your full-time job. You are rattled and scared, in no condition to apply for a job. Imagine being caught on SEEK now? Ask your mates to get you the hell out of there with a job referral.

Hit your number? 

Sorry. That was cruel.